Attention: This article contains heavy spoilers for Benedict Cumberbatch starrer SHERLOCK (season 1, season 2, season 3, The Abominable Bride, and season 4) that airs on BBC. If you haven’t caught up with the show, I recommend you a binge watch and then come back.

Okay! Let’s talk about Sherlock. Everyone in their life must have heard about Sherlock Holmes even for once. I have been a huge fan myself since I was a teen. The iconic detective created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle has to be the most popular one in the world. It is also the most popular character to be played across TV and films.

We have two Robert Downey Jr. Starrer Sherlock Holmes films, an American version of Sherlock ‘Elementary’ and a medical version ‘House’ and the Benedict Cumberbatch – Martin Freeman Starrer ‘Sherlock’ I am talking here about.  Also there are large numbers of other films, shows as I said this character is one of the most popular to be played onscreen.

All the above mentioned TV shows and films are acclaimed in their own game. Then why I am particularly about Sherlock! What makes it peculiar then the others!  Let’s see!

It was year 2010 when I first came across the show. Created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss this show was the 21st century version of the legendary detective. We are talking about a Sherlock Holmes who owns a website. So I was curious to know what the hype was all about. First episode in, and I was hooked. Probably everyone was. The different approach paid off very well. The witty-clever show knew exactly where to deliver the punches.  The acting, dialogues, direction everything was near perfect (if not perfect!). The show instantly became a TV phenomenon and grew a huge fan base around the globe. Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are officially my most favourite Sherlock Holmes and John Watson on screen representation and this is the best one can get from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s works, well in my opinion, ever.  It is redundant to make a comparison here but all the other competitors somehow look mundane in front of this one.  The witty high functioning sociopath just outshines all.

The series has just ended its fourth season. This could also be the last season ever due to the hectic schedule of the two leading actors. Though we hope not!

So let’s have look at what the show had to offer and what made it so great that it’s now being considered a cult!

The show had four seasons consisting of total 13 episodes (including a standalone episode). Now I am going to rank each episode based on how good or bad it is. So it begins:


Okay! So why is it the least good episode Sherlock had to offer! Perhaps the ‘back to old school’ approach did not work, at least not for me. Also The Abominable Bride pales in comparison to other episodes when it comes to memorable moments. Except the scene where John tries to have a conversation with a person just with hand gestures, and fails miserably (“I am glad you liked my potato”).

    12. HIS LAST VOW (S03E03):

    Though this is not at all a bad episode. The episode begins with the villain Charles Augustus Magnussen, who according to Sherlock the ‘The Napoleon of Blackmailing’. There are great moments in this episode such as the past revelation of Mary and the epic scene of Sherlock almost coming back from dead (again!). What disappointed me most was how Sherlock handled Magnussen. He just shot him right in the face. I mean come on! That is not the Sherlock I know. Do some deductions; go to your mind palace. That’s how you solve your cases, not by blowing someone’s head off because you are out of ideas.

      11. THE SIX THATCHERS (S04E01):

      this was opening episode was season four after taking a hiatus of almost three years. The fans were going crazy and the expectations were sky high. THE SIX THATCHERS somehow failed to deliver. Maybe due to the burden of expectations! The episode started off well but lost its pace in the later part. The Margaret Thatcher reference in my opinion was pointless. And the death of Mary didn’t have the impact it should have had.

        10. THE SIGN OF THREE (S03E02):

        After the not so satisfying season three premiere, I was hoping Sherlock would kick back. Indeed it did, but not quite much. It was a mess of an episode for me. There were too much going on. Although there were some funny scenes such as Sherlock’s reaction when John asked him to be the best man, Sherlock trying to do deductions being drunk. Apart from these it didn’t have much to offer.

          09. THE EMPTY HEARSE (S03E01):

          After the epic cliff-hanger of season two, there were endless theories of how the clever detective with a  funny hat survived the fall. Everyone had been waiting for an explanation. But instead of that, the episode just showcased the possible scenarios but not what actually happened. This manipulation somewhat left me frustrated. There were good moments also. The scene where Sherlock confronted John after two years of his fake death was outstanding. It was heart-warming and also funny in the same place.
          08. THE BLIND BANKER (S01E02):

          After the sensation the series premiere created, the hype was too high to meet up with. The Blind Banker was a decent episode, but not as epic as the first episode.

          07. THE HOUNDS OF BASKERVILLE (S02E02):

          Honestly there is nothing wrong with this episode. The reason I am giving this episode 7th position is that the rest are more SHERLOCKY! The season two premiere had raised bar so high that it was hard for THE HOUNDS OF BASKERVILLE to up the game any further. The episode did offer some of the best deduction scenes though like the scene where Sherlock tries to figure out what H.O.U.N.D. was simply brilliant! (“get out, I need to go to my mind palace”).

            06. THE FINAL PROBLEM (S04E03):

            Shit! Where do I even start about this one! This was certainly one hell of an episode. Twist after twist, shock after shock, it kept on going. But then there were flaws, probably most in any episode of the whole series. The episode opened with Sherlock and John manipulating Mycroft to get to know about Euros, Sherlock’s secret sister. Then there was an explosion in Baker Street. Sherlock and John somehow jumped from window and survived without any injury. Then they broke into Sherrinford. Why breaking in! Mycroft owns (he’s the British government! ) the goddamn place, right! Then the detective show became a less violent version of a SAW movie with Hollywood A-listers. Sherlock forcing Molly to say “I love you” was downright unfair, even if it was for her own good. Also Euros being ok with Sherlock killing Mycroft but not with Sherlock killing himself didn’t make any sense, not for me. The Redbeard twist was one of a kind though. On the whole if this is the end of Sherlock, THE FINAL PROBLEM doesn’t deserve to be the farewell episode.

              05. THE LYING DETECTIVE (S04E02):

              Definitely the best episode of season four. Cumberbatch literally gave his best of Sherlock in this one dark episode. After Mary’s untimely death and John’s grief, Sherlock going to new heights in order to save John was a treat to watch. Culverton Smith is creepy and better than Magnusson. Also the introduction of Euros Holmes came out of nowhere.

                04. A STUDY IN PINK (S01E01):

                this series pilot made Sherlock an overnight hit. This is where it all began. From Sherlock beating a corpse to making deductions about strangers just by looking at them, everything looked so new and brilliant. The best possible opening for a gem of a show. No need to say more.

                  03. THE GREAT GAME (S01E03):

                  The final episode of season one. Puzzles, definitely Sherlock’s area, right! Well THE GREAT GAME had it all. Puzzles, ticking time bombs, literally everything one can expect from the show. And last but not the least, Moriarty, the coolest villain ever to be on TV. An episode filled with non-stop nail biting tension. This is where Sherlock topped its own game.

                    02. A SCANDAL IN BELGRAVIA (S02E01):

                    After the explosive season one, season two came back with A SCANDAL IN BELGRAVIA. Back with a bang! This episode introduced Irene Adler (The Woman). Acting, direction, dialogues, background score, everything was perfect about this one. When someone asks you about Sherlock’s best scenes, you just can’t not talk about the ending scene of A SCANDAL IN BELGRAVIA. The scene where Sherlock deduces Adler’s feelings towards him gives me goose bumps every time I watch it. Yes, I AM SHERLOCKED too.

                      01. THE REICHENBACH FALL (S02E03):

                      Here we come at last, the best episode of Sherlock. THE REICHENBACH FALL has to be the one. This is arguably one of the best episodes of any TV series ever. The epic problem between Sherlock and Moriarty and the epic conclusion to it delivered an edge of the seat thriller like no other. The Sherlock and Moriarty confrontation scene is easily the best one of the series. The dialogues were written superbly. I don’t think I need to say more about this episode. If you are reading this, you probably know what I am talking about.



                        PS: I am not a critic. I am just a genuine Sherlock fan. This article is based entirely on my opinion. Others may not agree with me and I respect that.

                        Since the makers haven’t announced a new season, here’s to an iconic show that may never return.

                        “Oh please, there’s just one more thing, right? One more thing. One more miracle, Sherlock, for me, for us. Don’t….. be….. over!”






                        ​Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Camping Trip…

                        Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

                        Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his

                        faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and

                        tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see

                        millions and millions of stars.”

                        “What does that tell you?”

                        Watson pondered for a minute.

                        “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions

                        of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

                        Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

                        Horologically, I deduce that the time is

                        approximately a quarter past three.

                        Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful

                        and that we are small and insignificant.

                        Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a

                        beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

                        Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

                        “Watson, you jerk. Someone has stolen our tent.”

                        PS : i didn’t write this story myself. i read it somewhere and now can’t remember the source.

                        WE, THE PEOPLE.

                        Well, honestly, i don’t know what’s exactly going on in Assam. what we Assamese people are seeking for and what we want to prove. why we all are in nuclear mode always? Why we always tend to tear things apart. so much violence everywhere. do we have any idea where we are going? We always put the blame on government for any wrong that happens in Assam. well, I’m not defending our government and or ministers, they are all guilty as well. but are we, the citizens doing what a sincere citizen should do..! if we honestly think for a moment, the answer would be a NO.. there’s a Linkin Park song and it goes something like this –

                        “you are guilty all the same.

                        too sick to be ashamed.

                        you want to point your finger,

                        but there’s no one else to blame”

                        yes. these lines elegantly describe us. we always look for someone else to blame. let me give you some scenarios.

                        SCENARIO 1:

                        a doctor makes some mistake and a patient dies in a hospital. doesn’t matter if it was unintended. so there we go, the angry fucking citizens without giving a damn about anything, beat the crap out of that doctor. we believe this is justice delivered to that unfortunate patient. okay. do we stop there? obviously NOT. we tear that whole hospital apart and call ourselves concerned people. what the fuck is that for actually? it ain’t gonna do anything good. if a single doctor makes a mistake then why target the whole hospital? there are some other people fighting with their lives in that same building, aren’t there? who will think about them, if not us? do we have any idea how much extra trouble it can cause? who’s gonna repair that building? Shall we? Neh. We’d rather block some highway doing hunger strike.

                        SCENARIO 2:

                        a riot forms somewhere(we are always demanding for something after all). then police arrives at the place to calm the mob down and to prevent any possible damage. then some faggot throws a stone at a police(yeah. It actually happens. i don’t know why, for entertainment maybe). it’s pretty obvious for that police guy to get angry at such moment. then what happens? brawl starts. the police gets outnumbered and experience some ass serious kicking. when things get out of control, lathi charge happens. and somehow the situation gets in under controlled. then the media thing happens, the same guy who pelted the stone can be seen behaving like a victim of police violence. he’d be yelling at the news channel camera, “why didn’t police help?” and the police become culprit for us. who’s fault was that actually? why there’s a bunch of people named POLICE? they are here to help us. and we should obey them. but in Assam, i don’t think people really cares about police. they are all villains for us. that’s why even police hesitates to help us.

                        SCENARIO 3.

                        Something goes wrong in a shopping mall. things become out of control. what do we Assamese people do then? (not all, but most of us) we take advantage of that situation and become some professional robbers. who’s gonna stop them? everyone is busy taking goods for themselves.

                        PS : this incident actually happened once. In Guwahati. Don’t remember exactly when.

                        HOW NOTORIOUS WE ARE…!

                        is this what we supposed to do?

                        there are countless sceneries like this happening everyday. only blaming government and police department won’t gonna stop them. this is our job to maintain peace in our land. just like we have some fundamental rights, we have some fundamental duties as a citizen as well. We need to perform them. by looking at our current situations, I’m afraid there won’t be an ‘Assam’ left to feel proud of. Things are going wrong, terribly wrong everywhere. This is the time to act. It’s now or never. Let’s come forward and make things the way they should be. Let’s make sure our next generation won’t have to breathe in this all fucked up situation.

                        God bless our motherland.

                        © Manab

                        Why Are People So Stupid!

                        Such a deeply, deeply philosophical question. And yet so frequently asked as to be nearly universal.

                        There are a multitude of reasons why people are so stupid, which partly explains stupidity’s enduring popularity as an abundant element of the universe. So we’ll list ’em, scientifically, and in no particular order.

                        Reason #1: Stupidity works.

                        You may or may not have noticed this, but humans are a rapidly growing element of earth’s ecosystem. Since humanity’s hardscrabble beginnings many thousands of years ago, all the way to the sophisticated complexity of today’s sprawling mass of Other People, the human population on earth has been growing. Not consistently, not steadily, but relentlessly nonetheless. As species go, we are currently jaw-droppingly successful. In other words, there are more and more of us all the fucking time.

                        Stupidity has not hurt us one bit. We were stupid a long time ago, we are still stupid, and yet we continue to reproduce enormously successfully. Whether or not you are pleased with this turn of events I leave to you, but the underlying moral is clear:

                        Stupidity does not hamper reproduction! Stupid people breed. Stupidity may in fact help our ability to reproduce quite a bit. Anyone who has ever gotten married, had children and later wondered – why did I do that anyway? Oh yeah, that’s right, I was really stupid – can attest to the helpful effects of stupidity on the mating, dating, and attraction process. Not thinking clearly is very helpful in making the whole mystery of chemical attraction seem worth pursuing.

                        On the other hand, thinking too clearly and being too smart or too sensible can really really fuck it up. Thinking too much can badly inhibit the bonding process. The bonding process, which is essential for human survival, doesn’t give a damn about what we think of as smartness, it cares about irrationality and chemicals, both of which it highly values. None of us would put up with each other for a moment if it weren’t for the saving graces of stupidity and bonding.

                        People occasionally and naturally get very confused about this, because they are taught to think that what makes us successful as a species is our intelligence. We think we rule the earth because we are smart. We do not rule the earth, and evolution does not select for smartness, it selects for survival. Cockroaches rule the earth and they are smart enough not to think it’s because they have big brains.

                        This is not to say we aren’t intelligent as a species, in fact, we are. But we are intelligent for a reason. Or actually a couple. One reason is that we are designed to be modular, adaptable to a wide variety of climates and environmental conditions from Alaska to the Congo. But so are a lot of other species, and they don’t run around inventing indoor plumbing.

                        The other reason is that we have to get along with each other to survive. Again, we are not the only species like this – bees have to get along with each other too. But you combine our modularity with our need to get along and you get culture. Or a system in which individuals of the species can be born into any of a huge variety of cultures, none of which the organism can predict before its born, and the poor organism has to develop a big brain of a certain kind just to figure out what the fuck is going on and how it has to act to survive in its particular environment. Combine this with two other factors – language, which was probably an evolutionary accident (whoah, get a load of this!) and which creates many complications, and lack of bodily defenses like fur and claws – you’ve got something more or less resembling a human being.

                        It’s this desperate need to get along with each other under unpredictable circumstances that makes us invent indoor plumbing and freeway systems and astrophysics. We have to fucking cooperate with each other to survive the elements and each other and so we turn a large portion of our efforts toward smartness. We don’t have fur and we get cold peeing outside, so we invent plumbing. We don’t have claws, so we invent arrows and guns. We need to keep in contact with each other so we invent freeways, so we can zip around meeting each other in various places. We might need astrophysics to keep asteroids from zooming into us. We have to figure out how the fuck to get along with each other, so we invent laws, and philosophy, and literature, and justice, and commerce and a whole bunch of other stuff. We do all this smart shit to survive, not because God loves smart shit. Roses don’t act all that smart, but there’s nothing to indicate God doesn’t love them. We’re smart because it’s complicated being modular and social and defenseless and chatty. You need a big brain just to deal with all the fucking possibilities. Which is exactly what our brains are designed to do. Being smart doesn’t make us human – being human made us smart.

                        All this emphasis on smartness might seem out of place in a rant on stupidity – but I bring it up for two reasons. One is the surprise factor. It’s the fact that we’re smart that makes us so wide-eyed with astonishment and anger when we realize how stupid we are – we expect better from ourselves – but that’s only because we’re stupid.

                        Our chatty defenseless modular sociability forced us to develop social brains to keep track of all the madness, and it is the social brain that thinks we’re really smart. It values intelligence for its ability to come up with polio vaccines and electric lighting. Ironically, however, your social brain, the one that is patting you on the back for being smarter than everyone else – is also the part of your brain specifically designed to be incredibly fucking stupid. The other parts of your brain can’t ignore reality, because they rely on it, sensory input, information about blood flow and volume and pressure and digestive juices, and hunger and fatigue and cold, and so on. Your social brain on the other hand, relies on Other People instead of reality, which inclines your Social Brain to dramatic outbursts of complete fucking idiocy.

                        Let’s take an example. Wearing ties might be pretty fucking stupid, but a number of people have worn them over the years. Tying a knot around your neck might not seem like the best way to convince God that you’re a smart species, but it’s not by far the stupidest fashion idea any culture has ever come up with. There’s always been heavy competition in that category (hey, how about we all stick a bone through our nose!). But the Social Brain, the one that encouraged us to build the automobile, will seize upon something like a tie, as if it was just as good an idea as Advil (which it wasn’t by the way, Advil is one of the best ideas anybody has ever come up with, period).

                        Because the Social Brain reasons like this, ‘I don’t know why everybody around you is wearing ties to work, but if you want to survive this mess of a culture you got yourself into, you damn well better wear one too.’ And it will reward you immensely if someone says ‘nice tie!’ Even though you are just as glad when you get a different job and never ever have to fucking wear one again. Stupid as ties are, they do not interfere with your ability to reproduce, tie-wearing people breed. In fact, if everyone in your goddamn environment is wearing one, then not having one, or having a crappy one can hurt your ability to breed. Because people will say to themselves, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? Doesn’t he know how to dress? And they will think you are socially defective, which you might very well be, in spite of the fact you are smart enough not to wear one of the neck-chokers, and all the pretty women will mate furiously with the stupid tie-wearing people and leave you out in the cold with no money and the very chilly comfort of being smarter than all the people who won’t breed with you.

                        Other People and sex and bonding are way more important than intelligence and if there is a conflict between the two, the smart money’s always on stupidity and sex.

                        Of course, wearing ties is just one example of a whole host of stupid human behaviors that manage to exist and survive and not prevent people from breeding.

                        Okay, so now it’s time for a fun interactive activity!

                        Fun Interactive Activity: Think up ten really really really stupid things people do that get on your nerves really badly that don’t seem to stop people from breeding.

                        Write them down so you won’t forget them. Number them from one to ten so that you will seem very organized. Make a space between each stupid activity. Very good.

                        Now stare at your list in total annoyance and frustration. Do this for a few seconds for effect. Then take a sturdy writing implement and after each stupid thing people do write this phrase with bold, loud, aggressive firmness: And yet these people breed!!! If you are a devil-may-care type, write this phrase in red so it will really stand out.

                        This will make you feel a lot better. Do this frequently after watching the news, a notorious hang-out of stupid people who abuse their children, shoot old ladies for no reason, get drunk and drive over innocent bystanders, and so on. The world is full of stupid, bad stuff that doesn’t stop people from breeding and it will make your brain feel much better to acknowledge the fact. When you acknowledge the twin realities, that the bad stuff is stupid, and yet people breed, it will be like something clicks inside your brain and suddenly it gets it. The reasons for your hatred and anxiety and frustration will become clear and nicely sorted into the places in your mind that they belong.

                        Furthermore, your brain will know the one thing it’s been longing to know all the time, which is what it’s supposed to do about this insanity, this stupidity. Which is acknowledge it, name it, identify it, and oppose it – not wonder why the fuck it’s there.

                        Until you acknowledge that stupid people breed and that’s basically not going to change, your brain gets overheated with frustration because it accidentally thinks there’s no reason for stupidity and it ought to magically go away without any effort on your part. And it gets more and more frustrated when stupidity doesn’t magically go away. It will drive itself insane on this point if you let it, chasing itself around in circles like a dog after its tail, until you are exhausted, incoherent and very very grumpy. There is a reason why your brain does this of course – and that’s because it’s stupid!


                        How F-ed Up Are You!

                        How can I tell how personally Fucked Up I personally am? I mean, am I more fucked up than everyone else or not? How do I personally rank in the Fucked Up Derby? I’m curious.

                        Good question. Everyone likes to rank themselves and compare themselves to others and to know where they stand. Just in case it should ever come in handy to know whether you are More Stressed Out Than Everyone Else or Normally Stressed Out or Not Stressed Out Enough and so on. And of course, knowing how Fucked Up you are in comparison to everyone else is a very handy bit of information you can use to gloat, shore up your self-esteem, get depressed about, or even use to understand Other People.

                        So let’s embark on a fun and handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz, just to kill some time. How will you score?

                        First, let’s introduce some Concepts and some Crackpot Theories and so on.

                        Concept No. 1: Utilizing some higher mathematics and some advanced computer graphics modeling software, The Handy Fucked Up Interactive Quiz can be used to create a 3-D model of your Fuckedupness that will end up looking exactly like you! Pretty exciting. However, the advanced computer graphics modeling software is not included with this website, so Concept No. 1 is pretty fucking useless. So we’ll move right along to Concept No. 2.

                        Concept No. 2: Fuckedupness is an index of your personal Pain. You would think it would be an index of screwedupness or wrongness or Defective Deficiencyness or in some other way an indication of what the fuck is wrong with you. You would think. Unfortunately, however, and very disappointingly, nothing whatsoever is wrong with you.

                        On the other hand, there may be plenty wrong with your life! Causing all sorts of lurid and exotic and fascinating personal Fuckedupness for you. So now that we are cheered up again, we’ll move on to Concept No. 3 which is:

                        Concept No. 3: Fuckedupness exists in many dimensions and has many qualities and generally tries to be as complicated as possible. Because you are a very complicated advanced specimen of evolution with a gigantic Brain and many qualities of your own and anything less complicated would be unworthy of you. So let’s start measuring some dimensions!

                        Scientific and Handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz: How Fucked Up Are You?

                        Fucked Up Dimension No. 1: Intensity. Answer this question to determine your Personal Fucked Up Intensity.

                        Quiz Question #1: How much pain are you personally in about your life and how intense is it? Choose one answer, a bountiful variety of answers, or make one up. Changing your mind several times is allowed. Once you have chosen an answer, click on the letter beside it to go straight to your personal score. Because you really don’t care about anyone else’s.

                        a) None. I am deliriously fucking happy and ecstatic.

                        b) None. I am determinedly neutral.

                        c) A little bit. Kind of. Not too bad. I mean, I’m not exactly in pain about it, I mean I’m not saying things are so great, I mean it could be better…why are you asking anyway?

                        d) Um, well, some.

                        e) Kind of a lot. I mean, I think my life is okay other than the fact that I really really hate it.

                        f) Definitely a lot.

                        g) What’s it to you jerk-face? Do I look like I’m in pain? Oh yeah…well, it just so happens to be none of your fucking business, all right?

                        h) Oh god help me.

                        i) I would answer this question if I could ungrit my teeth.

                        j) I’m in agony and someone is going to die.

                        k) I’m not in pain about my life and I refuse to be because I believe in having a POSITIVE OUTLOOK and OVERCOMING OBSTACLES. Sure, some things about my life may be kind of fucked up but I AM WORKING ON THEM and I think things are really going to turn around here soon.

                        l) I don’t know. I don’t really understand the question. I mean, how would I answer this? I mean, I can’t tell really. Why? Do you know something I don’t?

                        Very good. Now, for your score. This is a score as you go activity, so that you can figure out how the quiz is biased and cheat better later.

                        a) Congratulations! You are suffering from Temporary Happiness and for the moment you are UnfuckedUp. Don’t worry. This will go away. In the meantime, get outside and enjoy yourself and stop taking this stupid fucking quiz.

                        b) You are Fucked Up. Plain wrapper fucked up with no adjectives. Being neutral indicates you have reached Homeostatic Fuckedupness in which all the various things you are unhappy about have risen to satiety level and are busy cancelling each other out and you basically can’t feel anything about anything one way or the other any more. Congratulations!

                        c) You are More Than A Little Fucked Up and suffering from Confusion Side Effect. This happens when you are unhappy and in pain about your life but it’s a little more than you can handle and so you are employing varying anesthetics that are clouding your mind and leaving you very confused as to whether you are actually Fucked Up or not. So I am here to introduce a little clarity and tell you that are definitely qualify as Fucked Up. Congratulations and welcome!

                        d) You are verging on Normally but Boringly Fucked Up. This is when you still have the ability to recognize pain when you stumble across it but there is nothing so compellingly intense about it as to make you wake up and really do something interesting about it. Instead you kind of wishy-washy around things and won’t commit to either Fucked Up or UnfuckedUp. This is a very popular if dull category. It’s kind of unspecial and can lead to a semi-stressed yet unfulfilling regular life just like everyone else has. Which may or may not be to your taste. Still, you are not such a prick that you run around pretending everything is fine and being some sort of happiness fascist. So this qualifies you as being eligible to join the Fucked Up Club. Congratulations and welcome!

                        e) Good. You are Vigorously Fucked Up and yet not Cripplingly Fucked Up. Things are not so terrible that you don’t have some sense of humor left. You are in pain yet trying to keep things in perspective. You are a little hesitant, but you have some energy. You are in very good shape to get even more Fucked Up soon. Congratulations!

                        f) Congratulations! You are either Pretty Fucked Up or All Fucked Up depending on whether you are privately fucked up or publicly fucked up respectively. You are in the middle of the Fucked Up Scale and therefore strangely closer to Temporary Happiness and getting UnfuckedUp than the other locations on the scale. Hopefully, you didn’t just give this answer to try and get sympathy in which case you would be Helplessly and Hopelessly Fucked Up and a lot further from Temporary Happiness. Either way you are Fucked Up. Congratulations!

                        g) You are in a state of Cramping and Muscle Strain Fuckedupness in which you are attempting to cope with the pain of life by getting all uptight. Not a silly strategy. But we probably need to get you a little Unfuckedup before anything good can happen to you again. Congratulations on your Tense and Uptight Fuckedupness.

                        h) Congratulations, you are Straightforwardly and Rather Desperately Fucked Up. This is frequently a good sign because if you can hang with this, something good often happens and you will experience an incredible jolt of Relief Happiness when it does. Relief Happiness is really exciting. Good work.

                        i) Okay, you are in a state of Survival Fuckedupness. This is when your life sucks and you really need to grit your teeth until you can get out of it and into a better one. In this case, how fucked up you are is not really as important as just Finding A Way Out. Don’t worry about your score or ranking in this quiz, you are a honorary Member of the Fucked Up Club just for being in this situation. Welcome!

                        j) You are in a state of Crisis Fuckedupness or, as you noted yourself, Agony and Danger. This can be life-threatening and sometimes is. You’re in the red zone of Fuckedupness and we need to get you out even if you are very very tough about handling these situations. We need to quickly implement a two-pronged plan. (A plan without prongs is just not very much fun.) Prong 1: Do not kill yourself or anyone else. No matter what. Very important prong. Go so far as to ask for help if you have to but do not kill anyone. Prong 2: You should be devoting some concentrated time and attention to getting UnfuckedUp as rapidly and efficiently as possible. Or at the very least reducing your total Fuckedupness score.

                        k) You are Really Fucked Up. In many ways, you are in the worst shape of anyone here with the possible exception of Mr. J above who is about to blow a gasket. So many things in your life are Really Fucked Up that you can’t stand them and you are scared and terrified and you just can’t fucking handle the stress and pain any more. So you are dosing yourself with Optimism and Hope, which are indeed powerful and effective drugs, but misused they will slash and burn their way through your life, leaving nothing but ruins in their wake. So be careful with these suckers.

                        If you are Really Fucked Up and feeling weak when you overdose on Hope and Optimism, you will have a tendency to Deny Reality and become and all dependent and helpless and start sucking the life out of everyone around you to feed your Really Fucked Up Illusions until, until….well, it’s just too awful for me to go into detail. If you are Really Fucked Up and feeling strong when you overdose on Hope and Optimism, then you will have a tendency to become a Happiness Fascist. You will want to squash and grind the life out of everyone around you by enforcing Artificial Happiness and not letting anyone be the charmingly fucked up people they are and you will kill love and life and laughter and happiness and….

                        The bottom line is Be Careful About Denying that You are Fucked Up and In Pain When You Are. Nasty, nasty side effects. If you are in pain and going to dose yourself with Hope and Optimism, which is certainly fucking understandable, be sure to follow the directions on the label. Which are:

                        “Hope and Optimism. Take in moderate, realistic to slightly unrealistic daily doses for relief of pain caused by life. Always admit you are in pain before taking. Warning: Do not take if you have a tendency to deny reality or deny you are in pain as Hope and Optimism are themselves Denial Agents and the combined effects can lead to system shutdown and a complete lack of contact with Reality.”

                        l) Congratulations! You would be Fucked Up Enough to qualify for some major sympathy if you were actually living inside your life. But your life is all fucked up and in so many ways that you aren’t. You have stepped outside it. Which means you can’t answer questions or access information based on sensations like pain and pleasure that you would get if you were actually inside your own life. And you have to rely on other people to tell you whether or not your life looks fucked up. Which it might not, even if it is. Although getting outside your life when it sucks is not a terrible idea, at some point you might want to get inside it again, in which case it might be worth your while to fix it so it will make a more hospitable home for you. Just a thought. In any case, don’t feel lonely, you still qualify to join the Fucked Up Club. Welcome!

                        Okay, everyone did very very well on the first question and you all qualify for the succeeding bonus rounds. Good work. The next question is on the next page, but first…

                        Give yourself a score between zero and 12 for the first question based on whatever number you think goes with the description that went with your answer. If you gave several answers, you can average, divide, multiply, subtract, add or perform any other mathematical maneuver you remember from grade school. You can also give yourself a fractional score like 5 1/2 or a percentage score if you’d like. It’s just a fucking quiz for God’s sake, you can do whatever you want!


                        A letter

                        This love I have for you – it’s hard to describe, yet easy to feel. It’s difficult to convey save for the actions of every day life. I don’t know how to tell you that I love you without making you uncomfortable or scaring you away. I suppose saying it isn’t really necessary, since giving the condition a name doesn’t change its qualities…however, I can’t help but feel there’s something to say about the inability to say it at all. I understand that receiving love, and loving someone in return, is terrifying. You’re not the sort to make yourself vulnerable and neither am I. Love makes you weak in a way, I guess you could say…but more importantly, it makes you strong. This is just one of the reasons that I love love, and love loving you in particular.

                        You seem to want a definition… yet I don’t have one. I will never have one. Love, at least to me, includes so many things that I don’t even know where or how to begin. Yet if you can’t just trust that you love someone – that you think of them more fondly than others in a peculiar way; admire them for the things that make them who they are and respect them for these very same attributes – then maybe you will never be able to love. Love is and will always be a leap of faith. Just like in life, there is no sure thing in love. You just have to trust. There is no answer – you just know. Yet there’s no way to ‘know’, especially if you pick it apart. Eventually love will be destroyed by all the prodding, analysing and dissection.

                        If there is any way to ‘know’ love – any sort of way to describe or define it – this is highly subjective. Love, at least to me, is selfless yet completely selfish. I love you for who you are and would do most anything for you if you needed me to. This selfless love is something quite gradual that grows as I get to know you better and catch glimpses of your innate, immutable qualities – your kindness, your integrity, your character. While human beings are continuously mutating creatures, I do believe that there are things in us that are tested by life and time, yet do not change. This is the foundation of a human being, maybe it’s the soul, I don’t know – but these are the very things that I see in you every day. I can’t help but love this girl who exhibits many of the qualities that I admire, and also hope to possess. Selfless love leads to selfish love. I also love you for my own sake – for how you improve my life by driving me to be kinder and more understanding; changing the way I see myself and the world; making me question and even strengthen my beliefs and values. Yet it’s also just as simple as the fact that you make me feel wonderful and help me enjoy life just a little more than I would without you.

                        I want to know what you think about love. I admit, I don’t understand why you shy away from love the way you do. I can’t help but think that the more one stresses over ‘knowing’ what love is, the more likely he will be to let it slip by. There is no way to ‘know’ other than by the standards you, and you alone, create for yourself. As I’ve already said, it’s a scary thing, but it is so worth the risk. And if you think of love, and if you think of possibly loving me – I hope you realize that there isn’t much risk involved.

                        I am sorry for bringing up something that obviously makes you uncomfortable, but I hope you can understand the position that I am in. I am nearly 20 years old, about to graduate from college, and am completely in love with a girl that I am not sure loves me in return, or even wants my love at all. Please don’t be mistaken – this is not an ultimatum, and my feelings for you won’t go away. I just want you to think about love. And possibly loving me. Or at least raising the issue of why you don’t love me, or why you are wary of love.

                        I truly believe that life is too short to let fly by without telling the important people in your life how you feel. That, in effect, is why I wrote this letter. I just hope that one day I have the courage to give it to you.


                        1. he had been walking. Saw her sitting and weeping. No idea why. Went to her, confused. She was numb. Seeing him, she started crying louder. he hugged her and kissed on her forehead. Not saying a word, he left.

                        2. at college, raining cats and dogs. On his way back home. Wet. Saw her coming towards him with an umbrella. Couldn’t stop himself from asking if he could share a little bit of room. She agreed happily. Felt like he was on cloud number nine. Both blushing. Chatted for a while. he had an agenda. Kissed her and ran away like a rat. Didn’t look back. Couldn’t.

                        3. together, talking, laughing. She had always been that shy type. Suddenly she came near him, stood on her toes and kissed him on lips. The whole world faded away.

                        4. exam hall. Both sitting together on one bench. Different subjects though. Seeing her so close to him he got nervous. It was an easy paper. His favourite one too. But couldn’t write anything. His hands shook. Mind went empty.

                        (to be continued)