Why Are People So Stupid!

Such a deeply, deeply philosophical question. And yet so frequently asked as to be nearly universal.

There are a multitude of reasons why people are so stupid, which partly explains stupidity’s enduring popularity as an abundant element of the universe. So we’ll list ’em, scientifically, and in no particular order.

Reason #1: Stupidity works.

You may or may not have noticed this, but humans are a rapidly growing element of earth’s ecosystem. Since humanity’s hardscrabble beginnings many thousands of years ago, all the way to the sophisticated complexity of today’s sprawling mass of Other People, the human population on earth has been growing. Not consistently, not steadily, but relentlessly nonetheless. As species go, we are currently jaw-droppingly successful. In other words, there are more and more of us all the fucking time.

Stupidity has not hurt us one bit. We were stupid a long time ago, we are still stupid, and yet we continue to reproduce enormously successfully. Whether or not you are pleased with this turn of events I leave to you, but the underlying moral is clear:

Stupidity does not hamper reproduction! Stupid people breed. Stupidity may in fact help our ability to reproduce quite a bit. Anyone who has ever gotten married, had children and later wondered – why did I do that anyway? Oh yeah, that’s right, I was really stupid – can attest to the helpful effects of stupidity on the mating, dating, and attraction process. Not thinking clearly is very helpful in making the whole mystery of chemical attraction seem worth pursuing.

On the other hand, thinking too clearly and being too smart or too sensible can really really fuck it up. Thinking too much can badly inhibit the bonding process. The bonding process, which is essential for human survival, doesn’t give a damn about what we think of as smartness, it cares about irrationality and chemicals, both of which it highly values. None of us would put up with each other for a moment if it weren’t for the saving graces of stupidity and bonding.

People occasionally and naturally get very confused about this, because they are taught to think that what makes us successful as a species is our intelligence. We think we rule the earth because we are smart. We do not rule the earth, and evolution does not select for smartness, it selects for survival. Cockroaches rule the earth and they are smart enough not to think it’s because they have big brains.

This is not to say we aren’t intelligent as a species, in fact, we are. But we are intelligent for a reason. Or actually a couple. One reason is that we are designed to be modular, adaptable to a wide variety of climates and environmental conditions from Alaska to the Congo. But so are a lot of other species, and they don’t run around inventing indoor plumbing.

The other reason is that we have to get along with each other to survive. Again, we are not the only species like this – bees have to get along with each other too. But you combine our modularity with our need to get along and you get culture. Or a system in which individuals of the species can be born into any of a huge variety of cultures, none of which the organism can predict before its born, and the poor organism has to develop a big brain of a certain kind just to figure out what the fuck is going on and how it has to act to survive in its particular environment. Combine this with two other factors – language, which was probably an evolutionary accident (whoah, get a load of this!) and which creates many complications, and lack of bodily defenses like fur and claws – you’ve got something more or less resembling a human being.

It’s this desperate need to get along with each other under unpredictable circumstances that makes us invent indoor plumbing and freeway systems and astrophysics. We have to fucking cooperate with each other to survive the elements and each other and so we turn a large portion of our efforts toward smartness. We don’t have fur and we get cold peeing outside, so we invent plumbing. We don’t have claws, so we invent arrows and guns. We need to keep in contact with each other so we invent freeways, so we can zip around meeting each other in various places. We might need astrophysics to keep asteroids from zooming into us. We have to figure out how the fuck to get along with each other, so we invent laws, and philosophy, and literature, and justice, and commerce and a whole bunch of other stuff. We do all this smart shit to survive, not because God loves smart shit. Roses don’t act all that smart, but there’s nothing to indicate God doesn’t love them. We’re smart because it’s complicated being modular and social and defenseless and chatty. You need a big brain just to deal with all the fucking possibilities. Which is exactly what our brains are designed to do. Being smart doesn’t make us human – being human made us smart.

All this emphasis on smartness might seem out of place in a rant on stupidity – but I bring it up for two reasons. One is the surprise factor. It’s the fact that we’re smart that makes us so wide-eyed with astonishment and anger when we realize how stupid we are – we expect better from ourselves – but that’s only because we’re stupid.

Our chatty defenseless modular sociability forced us to develop social brains to keep track of all the madness, and it is the social brain that thinks we’re really smart. It values intelligence for its ability to come up with polio vaccines and electric lighting. Ironically, however, your social brain, the one that is patting you on the back for being smarter than everyone else – is also the part of your brain specifically designed to be incredibly fucking stupid. The other parts of your brain can’t ignore reality, because they rely on it, sensory input, information about blood flow and volume and pressure and digestive juices, and hunger and fatigue and cold, and so on. Your social brain on the other hand, relies on Other People instead of reality, which inclines your Social Brain to dramatic outbursts of complete fucking idiocy.

Let’s take an example. Wearing ties might be pretty fucking stupid, but a number of people have worn them over the years. Tying a knot around your neck might not seem like the best way to convince God that you’re a smart species, but it’s not by far the stupidest fashion idea any culture has ever come up with. There’s always been heavy competition in that category (hey, how about we all stick a bone through our nose!). But the Social Brain, the one that encouraged us to build the automobile, will seize upon something like a tie, as if it was just as good an idea as Advil (which it wasn’t by the way, Advil is one of the best ideas anybody has ever come up with, period).

Because the Social Brain reasons like this, ‘I don’t know why everybody around you is wearing ties to work, but if you want to survive this mess of a culture you got yourself into, you damn well better wear one too.’ And it will reward you immensely if someone says ‘nice tie!’ Even though you are just as glad when you get a different job and never ever have to fucking wear one again. Stupid as ties are, they do not interfere with your ability to reproduce, tie-wearing people breed. In fact, if everyone in your goddamn environment is wearing one, then not having one, or having a crappy one can hurt your ability to breed. Because people will say to themselves, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? Doesn’t he know how to dress? And they will think you are socially defective, which you might very well be, in spite of the fact you are smart enough not to wear one of the neck-chokers, and all the pretty women will mate furiously with the stupid tie-wearing people and leave you out in the cold with no money and the very chilly comfort of being smarter than all the people who won’t breed with you.

Other People and sex and bonding are way more important than intelligence and if there is a conflict between the two, the smart money’s always on stupidity and sex.

Of course, wearing ties is just one example of a whole host of stupid human behaviors that manage to exist and survive and not prevent people from breeding.

Okay, so now it’s time for a fun interactive activity!

Fun Interactive Activity: Think up ten really really really stupid things people do that get on your nerves really badly that don’t seem to stop people from breeding.

Write them down so you won’t forget them. Number them from one to ten so that you will seem very organized. Make a space between each stupid activity. Very good.

Now stare at your list in total annoyance and frustration. Do this for a few seconds for effect. Then take a sturdy writing implement and after each stupid thing people do write this phrase with bold, loud, aggressive firmness: And yet these people breed!!! If you are a devil-may-care type, write this phrase in red so it will really stand out.

This will make you feel a lot better. Do this frequently after watching the news, a notorious hang-out of stupid people who abuse their children, shoot old ladies for no reason, get drunk and drive over innocent bystanders, and so on. The world is full of stupid, bad stuff that doesn’t stop people from breeding and it will make your brain feel much better to acknowledge the fact. When you acknowledge the twin realities, that the bad stuff is stupid, and yet people breed, it will be like something clicks inside your brain and suddenly it gets it. The reasons for your hatred and anxiety and frustration will become clear and nicely sorted into the places in your mind that they belong.

Furthermore, your brain will know the one thing it’s been longing to know all the time, which is what it’s supposed to do about this insanity, this stupidity. Which is acknowledge it, name it, identify it, and oppose it – not wonder why the fuck it’s there.

Until you acknowledge that stupid people breed and that’s basically not going to change, your brain gets overheated with frustration because it accidentally thinks there’s no reason for stupidity and it ought to magically go away without any effort on your part. And it gets more and more frustrated when stupidity doesn’t magically go away. It will drive itself insane on this point if you let it, chasing itself around in circles like a dog after its tail, until you are exhausted, incoherent and very very grumpy. There is a reason why your brain does this of course – and that’s because it’s stupid!


How F-ed Up Are You!

How can I tell how personally Fucked Up I personally am? I mean, am I more fucked up than everyone else or not? How do I personally rank in the Fucked Up Derby? I’m curious.

Good question. Everyone likes to rank themselves and compare themselves to others and to know where they stand. Just in case it should ever come in handy to know whether you are More Stressed Out Than Everyone Else or Normally Stressed Out or Not Stressed Out Enough and so on. And of course, knowing how Fucked Up you are in comparison to everyone else is a very handy bit of information you can use to gloat, shore up your self-esteem, get depressed about, or even use to understand Other People.

So let’s embark on a fun and handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz, just to kill some time. How will you score?

First, let’s introduce some Concepts and some Crackpot Theories and so on.

Concept No. 1: Utilizing some higher mathematics and some advanced computer graphics modeling software, The Handy Fucked Up Interactive Quiz can be used to create a 3-D model of your Fuckedupness that will end up looking exactly like you! Pretty exciting. However, the advanced computer graphics modeling software is not included with this website, so Concept No. 1 is pretty fucking useless. So we’ll move right along to Concept No. 2.

Concept No. 2: Fuckedupness is an index of your personal Pain. You would think it would be an index of screwedupness or wrongness or Defective Deficiencyness or in some other way an indication of what the fuck is wrong with you. You would think. Unfortunately, however, and very disappointingly, nothing whatsoever is wrong with you.

On the other hand, there may be plenty wrong with your life! Causing all sorts of lurid and exotic and fascinating personal Fuckedupness for you. So now that we are cheered up again, we’ll move on to Concept No. 3 which is:

Concept No. 3: Fuckedupness exists in many dimensions and has many qualities and generally tries to be as complicated as possible. Because you are a very complicated advanced specimen of evolution with a gigantic Brain and many qualities of your own and anything less complicated would be unworthy of you. So let’s start measuring some dimensions!

Scientific and Handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz: How Fucked Up Are You?

Fucked Up Dimension No. 1: Intensity. Answer this question to determine your Personal Fucked Up Intensity.

Quiz Question #1: How much pain are you personally in about your life and how intense is it? Choose one answer, a bountiful variety of answers, or make one up. Changing your mind several times is allowed. Once you have chosen an answer, click on the letter beside it to go straight to your personal score. Because you really don’t care about anyone else’s.

a) None. I am deliriously fucking happy and ecstatic.

b) None. I am determinedly neutral.

c) A little bit. Kind of. Not too bad. I mean, I’m not exactly in pain about it, I mean I’m not saying things are so great, I mean it could be better…why are you asking anyway?

d) Um, well, some.

e) Kind of a lot. I mean, I think my life is okay other than the fact that I really really hate it.

f) Definitely a lot.

g) What’s it to you jerk-face? Do I look like I’m in pain? Oh yeah…well, it just so happens to be none of your fucking business, all right?

h) Oh god help me.

i) I would answer this question if I could ungrit my teeth.

j) I’m in agony and someone is going to die.

k) I’m not in pain about my life and I refuse to be because I believe in having a POSITIVE OUTLOOK and OVERCOMING OBSTACLES. Sure, some things about my life may be kind of fucked up but I AM WORKING ON THEM and I think things are really going to turn around here soon.

l) I don’t know. I don’t really understand the question. I mean, how would I answer this? I mean, I can’t tell really. Why? Do you know something I don’t?

Very good. Now, for your score. This is a score as you go activity, so that you can figure out how the quiz is biased and cheat better later.

a) Congratulations! You are suffering from Temporary Happiness and for the moment you are UnfuckedUp. Don’t worry. This will go away. In the meantime, get outside and enjoy yourself and stop taking this stupid fucking quiz.

b) You are Fucked Up. Plain wrapper fucked up with no adjectives. Being neutral indicates you have reached Homeostatic Fuckedupness in which all the various things you are unhappy about have risen to satiety level and are busy cancelling each other out and you basically can’t feel anything about anything one way or the other any more. Congratulations!

c) You are More Than A Little Fucked Up and suffering from Confusion Side Effect. This happens when you are unhappy and in pain about your life but it’s a little more than you can handle and so you are employing varying anesthetics that are clouding your mind and leaving you very confused as to whether you are actually Fucked Up or not. So I am here to introduce a little clarity and tell you that are definitely qualify as Fucked Up. Congratulations and welcome!

d) You are verging on Normally but Boringly Fucked Up. This is when you still have the ability to recognize pain when you stumble across it but there is nothing so compellingly intense about it as to make you wake up and really do something interesting about it. Instead you kind of wishy-washy around things and won’t commit to either Fucked Up or UnfuckedUp. This is a very popular if dull category. It’s kind of unspecial and can lead to a semi-stressed yet unfulfilling regular life just like everyone else has. Which may or may not be to your taste. Still, you are not such a prick that you run around pretending everything is fine and being some sort of happiness fascist. So this qualifies you as being eligible to join the Fucked Up Club. Congratulations and welcome!

e) Good. You are Vigorously Fucked Up and yet not Cripplingly Fucked Up. Things are not so terrible that you don’t have some sense of humor left. You are in pain yet trying to keep things in perspective. You are a little hesitant, but you have some energy. You are in very good shape to get even more Fucked Up soon. Congratulations!

f) Congratulations! You are either Pretty Fucked Up or All Fucked Up depending on whether you are privately fucked up or publicly fucked up respectively. You are in the middle of the Fucked Up Scale and therefore strangely closer to Temporary Happiness and getting UnfuckedUp than the other locations on the scale. Hopefully, you didn’t just give this answer to try and get sympathy in which case you would be Helplessly and Hopelessly Fucked Up and a lot further from Temporary Happiness. Either way you are Fucked Up. Congratulations!

g) You are in a state of Cramping and Muscle Strain Fuckedupness in which you are attempting to cope with the pain of life by getting all uptight. Not a silly strategy. But we probably need to get you a little Unfuckedup before anything good can happen to you again. Congratulations on your Tense and Uptight Fuckedupness.

h) Congratulations, you are Straightforwardly and Rather Desperately Fucked Up. This is frequently a good sign because if you can hang with this, something good often happens and you will experience an incredible jolt of Relief Happiness when it does. Relief Happiness is really exciting. Good work.

i) Okay, you are in a state of Survival Fuckedupness. This is when your life sucks and you really need to grit your teeth until you can get out of it and into a better one. In this case, how fucked up you are is not really as important as just Finding A Way Out. Don’t worry about your score or ranking in this quiz, you are a honorary Member of the Fucked Up Club just for being in this situation. Welcome!

j) You are in a state of Crisis Fuckedupness or, as you noted yourself, Agony and Danger. This can be life-threatening and sometimes is. You’re in the red zone of Fuckedupness and we need to get you out even if you are very very tough about handling these situations. We need to quickly implement a two-pronged plan. (A plan without prongs is just not very much fun.) Prong 1: Do not kill yourself or anyone else. No matter what. Very important prong. Go so far as to ask for help if you have to but do not kill anyone. Prong 2: You should be devoting some concentrated time and attention to getting UnfuckedUp as rapidly and efficiently as possible. Or at the very least reducing your total Fuckedupness score.

k) You are Really Fucked Up. In many ways, you are in the worst shape of anyone here with the possible exception of Mr. J above who is about to blow a gasket. So many things in your life are Really Fucked Up that you can’t stand them and you are scared and terrified and you just can’t fucking handle the stress and pain any more. So you are dosing yourself with Optimism and Hope, which are indeed powerful and effective drugs, but misused they will slash and burn their way through your life, leaving nothing but ruins in their wake. So be careful with these suckers.

If you are Really Fucked Up and feeling weak when you overdose on Hope and Optimism, you will have a tendency to Deny Reality and become and all dependent and helpless and start sucking the life out of everyone around you to feed your Really Fucked Up Illusions until, until….well, it’s just too awful for me to go into detail. If you are Really Fucked Up and feeling strong when you overdose on Hope and Optimism, then you will have a tendency to become a Happiness Fascist. You will want to squash and grind the life out of everyone around you by enforcing Artificial Happiness and not letting anyone be the charmingly fucked up people they are and you will kill love and life and laughter and happiness and….

The bottom line is Be Careful About Denying that You are Fucked Up and In Pain When You Are. Nasty, nasty side effects. If you are in pain and going to dose yourself with Hope and Optimism, which is certainly fucking understandable, be sure to follow the directions on the label. Which are:

“Hope and Optimism. Take in moderate, realistic to slightly unrealistic daily doses for relief of pain caused by life. Always admit you are in pain before taking. Warning: Do not take if you have a tendency to deny reality or deny you are in pain as Hope and Optimism are themselves Denial Agents and the combined effects can lead to system shutdown and a complete lack of contact with Reality.”

l) Congratulations! You would be Fucked Up Enough to qualify for some major sympathy if you were actually living inside your life. But your life is all fucked up and in so many ways that you aren’t. You have stepped outside it. Which means you can’t answer questions or access information based on sensations like pain and pleasure that you would get if you were actually inside your own life. And you have to rely on other people to tell you whether or not your life looks fucked up. Which it might not, even if it is. Although getting outside your life when it sucks is not a terrible idea, at some point you might want to get inside it again, in which case it might be worth your while to fix it so it will make a more hospitable home for you. Just a thought. In any case, don’t feel lonely, you still qualify to join the Fucked Up Club. Welcome!

Okay, everyone did very very well on the first question and you all qualify for the succeeding bonus rounds. Good work. The next question is on the next page, but first…

Give yourself a score between zero and 12 for the first question based on whatever number you think goes with the description that went with your answer. If you gave several answers, you can average, divide, multiply, subtract, add or perform any other mathematical maneuver you remember from grade school. You can also give yourself a fractional score like 5 1/2 or a percentage score if you’d like. It’s just a fucking quiz for God’s sake, you can do whatever you want!


If Hollywood Movies Had Bollywood Endings, This Is How They Would Be

The two biggest cinematic forces of nature –
Bollywood and Hollywood – can together boast of
providing us with some of the most entertaining
films ever. Both Bollywood and Hollywood have
got their own set of formulas when it comes to
churning out movies by the hundreds. But ask
any Bollywood fan and he’ll admit that there is
more than a generous amount of “inspiration”
Bollywood gets from Hollywood. So, what if we
turned the tables and imagined a scenario where
famous Hollywood movies had typical Bollywood
style endings!

1. Her
Theodore Twombly becomes so heartbroken at
the loss of Samantha that he visits the nearest
temple on a stormy night and cries his heart out.
Suddenly, the temple bells start ringing on their
own, and from behind the idol appears Samantha
in a human form. They kiss on the forehead and
live happily ever after.

2. The Dark Knight Rises
After the explosive fight where Batman saves the
city, he proceeds to have an upbeat romantic
number with Catwoman in a meadow somewhere
in Switzerland where they both run from opposite
sides into each other’s arms.

3. The Wolf of Wall Street
Jordan Belfort, despite all his drug episodes and
his misadventures, will realise, five minutes before
the closing credits roll that his lifestyle was
against his culture. In a moving scene, he
apologises to his wife, wins her back and the
movie finishes with a wide angle shot of the
entire cast standing next to each other and
laughing for no apparent reason.

4. Gravity
George Clooney runs into a dozen South Indian
thugs in outer space, probably led by Prakash
Raj. They try to kidnap Sandra Bullock but
Clooney kicks their ass, saves her and survives
the entire movie.

5. Inception
The climax will be in the form of a narration,
voiced by Amitabh Bachchan of course, which
explains in the simplest terms the storyline of the
entire movie. Because there’s no bigger crime
than making a movie that the “aam junta” cannot

6. Titanic
Jack braves the freezing water and swims across
the entire ocean whilst dragging Rose along –
singlehandedly mind you – to safety. During the
closing credits they will both be seen getting
groovy on the dance floor to a Honey Singh

7. Schindler’s List
Schindler tries to be the passive good guy till the
very end until he realises that being nice is for
wussies. He then defeats 50 Nazis with his bare
hands in an epic Rohit Shetty-style climactic

8. Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump comes across a brilliant NRI doctor
who magically “cures” him. He transforms from
the naive simpleton to a smart, dapper muscled
up hero. And yes there will be a dance sequence
at the end where girls are going gaga over Forrest

9. Transformers
Somewhere along the heated rivalry between the
Autobots and the Decepticons, Optimus Prime
falls in love with Megatron’s daughter. At the end,
their true alien machine love proves to both
parties that there are no differences that love
can’t sort out.

10. Pirates of the Carribean
Right at the end Captain Jack Sparrow will reveal
that he is an undercover cop working for the CBI
sent to investigate the treasure smugglers!

11. Harry Potter
Voldemort, the hard-hearted tormentor of
Hogwarts sees the error of his ways thanks to a
dozen violin-led songs and dance numbers led by
Harry Potter. He ultimately forgives himself for the
loss of his daughter who was once married to
Harry Potter.
(Yes, like Mohabattein)

12. The Passion of the Christ
The climax will be an item number during which
all the Romans are kept incredibly busy. Jesus
escapes during this time and takes revenge on all
the bad guys!

13. Basic Instinct
It is revealed at the end that Sharon Stone is
actually a misunderstood woman with a heart of
gold who got into bad company to support her
ailing father, her bedridden mother and her two
spinster sisters. Michael Douglas marries her and
lives happily ever after.

14. Twilight
Well, it’ll pretty much stay as it is.

© manab

Things That Are Way Too Overrated In India

We Indians are inscrutable at times. It’s funny
how we make a big deal out of everything. But
while some of these things are understandable, a
lot of them are silly and unnecessarily over-hyped
in this country.
Like the big fat Indian weddings. Or every
parent’s dream to turn kids into doctors and
engineers. Or our obsession with fair skin. We
give way too much attention to these trivial
things for our own good.
Here is a fun checklist of such fashionably
overrated things in India:

1. English
“Beta English may poem toh sunao uncle ko?”
Indians are obsessed with speaking in English,
writing in English, dancing in English… Excuse
me! Hindi bhi itna bura nahi hai, yaar.

2. Fairness
“Beta Fair and Handsome try toh karo, fir dekhna
kitney rishtey aayenge.”
Will it get me Sonam Kapoor’s marriage proposal?
If yes, give it to me, aunty.

3. Chetan Bhagat
“Chetan Bhagat ki nayi book padi tumne?”
Seriously? He is the Karan Johar of prose.
Enough said!

4. Reality Shows
“Kya? Tune Rakhi ka Swayamvar nahi dekha?”
Let’s not even talk about this one.

5. Big, fat Indian weddings
“Pata hai, meri shaadi may Shah Rukh dance
karne aa raha hai?”
And I thought getting married was about
committing to the person you love the most.

6. Engineering degree
“Mera beta bada hokar engineer banega.”
Yes mom, that’s what I was born to be. I don’t
have any ambition or dream. I just want to
become another Chatur .

7. Cricket
“Bhai cricket toh mera religion hai.”
There are many other sports that India
participates in you know. Do you watch the Pro
Kabbadi League on Star Sports? Do you even
know it exists?

8. Gold
“Mummy aur kitni gold rings khareedoge?”
Indian moms rule the world of gold jewellery.
Even Bappi Da can’t beat them when it comes to

9. Honey Singh
“Mujhko na pehchane tu, tere ghar akhbaar ni
Newspaper report: “Palwal may hui Honey Singh
ki pitai.”

10. The Dialogue: “Log Kya Kahenge?”
“Beta, shadi kar lo. Varna log kya kahenge?”
“Umm…he/she’s busy chasing his/her dreams.”
This question exists from the time of Ramayan
and I don’t think it’s going away any time soon.

11. Board Results
“Beta kitney marks aaye 12th may?”
Throughout the year, these people don’t even
remember your name but they become your
parents’ best friends the day your results come
out. Auntyji, may I kill you? Please?

12. Foreign Brands
“Kya? Tune yeh flea market se liya? I shop only
from Zara.”
We are obsessed with foreign brands. We indulge
in brands not because they are worth it but
because they represent our status in society.

© manab

Retire someone – make Windies series profitable..


BCCI Official 1 : Umm…guys, let’s have a full
series with West Indies in October-November.
BCCI Official 2: But why? That will mean 8
months of continuous cricket without any break
before the World Cup. They have England tour till
September, followed by Australia in December and
that triangular series in January.
BCCI Official 3: Don’t forget the Champions
League, too. CSK, Indian Team. Indian Team,
CSK. Same thing.
BO1: But don’t you remember? Last time we had
such an impromptu series with Windies we got so
many sponsors. Airtel, Pepsi, Vodafone everyone
wanted those ad slots. Maybe, this time we can
get that MDH dude, too.
BO2: Ummm sir.. That wasn’t because of Windies
but because of Rohit Sharma’s debut.
BO1: That guy is talented. What talent guys!
What talent!
BO2: (Coughs) We got the sponsors because
Sachin Tendulkar was playing his last match.
Because he was retiring.
BO3: So what? We’ll get some of the players to
retire this time, as well. Take Harbhajan Singh.
With Ravichandran Ashwin unable to find a place
in the playing XI because of Ravindra Jadeja,
Bhajji should realize it’s over for him. 101 Test
matches, 413 wickets, he has enough material for
a nice speech.
BO3: Or Virender Sehwag. With Murali Vijay
performing overseas, even Gautam Gambhir’s
future is in danger. Viru should call it quits. We’ll
trend #ThankYouViru on Twitter.
BO2: How about Saurabh Tiwary? He can retire
from the bench? We can have his name inducted
in the ‘Bench Warmers’ board.
BO2: Did you see Ishant Sharma’s performance
at Lord’s? We have our own Mitchell Johnson
( Everyone sniggers)
BO2: Not kidding guys. He is an apt replacement
for Zaheer Khan. A match winning performance in
one match followed by injury in the next match.
Retire Zaheer Khan, we have a new bowling
( Someone nearly chokes on their water due
to suppressed laughter)
BO1: Enough jokes for the day. This is serious
stuff. Get me a list of players whose retirement
can be a money-making spectacle. Go ahead. Do
some work.
(Everyone Leaves)
Why Windies in an already cramped up schedule?
BO1: Welcome… sir welcome. So glad to see you
here. I did what you asked ( to get a list of
players who are likely to retire ). But, sir, what
is the main motive of this series?
Srini: I’ll tell you then. I may have become the
ICC Chairman, but my first love will always be
BCCI. I still am not powerful enough to make
India win the World Cup. So, we should make sure
my boy MS doesn’t get blamed, leave alone
stoned. If only the whole of India can be like my
Knowledgeable Chennai (Super Kings) Crowd.
BO1: But, sir, we won the Champions Trophy, and
our team is doing great in England, too. Don’t
you think we can win the World Cup in Australia?
Srini: Bah.. This is just an illusion. Team India
wins these matches, and everyone thinks they can
win the World Cup, too. But I know better. Their
chances of winning the World Cup is almost
equivalent to Kevin Pietersen returning to the
England team. Do you see that happening? Do
BO1: (quivers) Yes yes, sir, I get your point. MS
Dhoni keeps on complaining that the players have
hectic schedules and that they don’t get quality
time to rest before major tournaments. This will
make for a viable excuse for not winning the big
event. You are a genius sir.
Srini: Yes, yes, now leave me alone.
BO1 leaves
Srini thinking to himself : Oh Dhoni, the captain
of CSK. The VP of Indian Cements. This won’t
make sure that your effigies are not burnt like
they did with Rahul Dravid’s in 2007, or your
home pelted with stones as Yuvraj Singh’s after
the T20 World Cup loss. But I had to try. The
things we do for love.
(Fades away)

Note: This article is a piece of fiction.. just like
Rohit Sharma’s alleged ‘talent’.

© manab