How can I tell how personally Fucked Up I personally am? I mean, am I more fucked up than everyone else or not? How do I personally rank in the Fucked Up Derby? I’m curious.
Good question. Everyone likes to rank themselves and compare themselves to others and to know where they stand. Just in case it should ever come in handy to know whether you are More Stressed Out Than Everyone Else or Normally Stressed Out or Not Stressed Out Enough and so on. And of course, knowing how Fucked Up you are in comparison to everyone else is a very handy bit of information you can use to gloat, shore up your self-esteem, get depressed about, or even use to understand Other People.
So let’s embark on a fun and handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz, just to kill some time. How will you score?
First, let’s introduce some Concepts and some Crackpot Theories and so on.
Concept No. 1: Utilizing some higher mathematics and some advanced computer graphics modeling software, The Handy Fucked Up Interactive Quiz can be used to create a 3-D model of your Fuckedupness that will end up looking exactly like you! Pretty exciting. However, the advanced computer graphics modeling software is not included with this website, so Concept No. 1 is pretty fucking useless. So we’ll move right along to Concept No. 2.
Concept No. 2: Fuckedupness is an index of your personal Pain. You would think it would be an index of screwedupness or wrongness or Defective Deficiencyness or in some other way an indication of what the fuck is wrong with you. You would think. Unfortunately, however, and very disappointingly, nothing whatsoever is wrong with you.
On the other hand, there may be plenty wrong with your life! Causing all sorts of lurid and exotic and fascinating personal Fuckedupness for you. So now that we are cheered up again, we’ll move on to Concept No. 3 which is:
Concept No. 3: Fuckedupness exists in many dimensions and has many qualities and generally tries to be as complicated as possible. Because you are a very complicated advanced specimen of evolution with a gigantic Brain and many qualities of your own and anything less complicated would be unworthy of you. So let’s start measuring some dimensions!
Scientific and Handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz: How Fucked Up Are You?
Fucked Up Dimension No. 1: Intensity. Answer this question to determine your Personal Fucked Up Intensity.
Quiz Question #1: How much pain are you personally in about your life and how intense is it? Choose one answer, a bountiful variety of answers, or make one up. Changing your mind several times is allowed. Once you have chosen an answer, click on the letter beside it to go straight to your personal score. Because you really don’t care about anyone else’s.
a) None. I am deliriously fucking happy and ecstatic.
b) None. I am determinedly neutral.
c) A little bit. Kind of. Not too bad. I mean, I’m not exactly in pain about it, I mean I’m not saying things are so great, I mean it could be better…why are you asking anyway?
d) Um, well, some.
e) Kind of a lot. I mean, I think my life is okay other than the fact that I really really hate it.
f) Definitely a lot.
g) What’s it to you jerk-face? Do I look like I’m in pain? Oh yeah…well, it just so happens to be none of your fucking business, all right?
h) Oh god help me.
i) I would answer this question if I could ungrit my teeth.
j) I’m in agony and someone is going to die.
k) I’m not in pain about my life and I refuse to be because I believe in having a POSITIVE OUTLOOK and OVERCOMING OBSTACLES. Sure, some things about my life may be kind of fucked up but I AM WORKING ON THEM and I think things are really going to turn around here soon.
l) I don’t know. I don’t really understand the question. I mean, how would I answer this? I mean, I can’t tell really. Why? Do you know something I don’t?
Very good. Now, for your score. This is a score as you go activity, so that you can figure out how the quiz is biased and cheat better later.
a) Congratulations! You are suffering from Temporary Happiness and for the moment you are UnfuckedUp. Don’t worry. This will go away. In the meantime, get outside and enjoy yourself and stop taking this stupid fucking quiz.
b) You are Fucked Up. Plain wrapper fucked up with no adjectives. Being neutral indicates you have reached Homeostatic Fuckedupness in which all the various things you are unhappy about have risen to satiety level and are busy cancelling each other out and you basically can’t feel anything about anything one way or the other any more. Congratulations!
c) You are More Than A Little Fucked Up and suffering from Confusion Side Effect. This happens when you are unhappy and in pain about your life but it’s a little more than you can handle and so you are employing varying anesthetics that are clouding your mind and leaving you very confused as to whether you are actually Fucked Up or not. So I am here to introduce a little clarity and tell you that are definitely qualify as Fucked Up. Congratulations and welcome!
d) You are verging on Normally but Boringly Fucked Up. This is when you still have the ability to recognize pain when you stumble across it but there is nothing so compellingly intense about it as to make you wake up and really do something interesting about it. Instead you kind of wishy-washy around things and won’t commit to either Fucked Up or UnfuckedUp. This is a very popular if dull category. It’s kind of unspecial and can lead to a semi-stressed yet unfulfilling regular life just like everyone else has. Which may or may not be to your taste. Still, you are not such a prick that you run around pretending everything is fine and being some sort of happiness fascist. So this qualifies you as being eligible to join the Fucked Up Club. Congratulations and welcome!
e) Good. You are Vigorously Fucked Up and yet not Cripplingly Fucked Up. Things are not so terrible that you don’t have some sense of humor left. You are in pain yet trying to keep things in perspective. You are a little hesitant, but you have some energy. You are in very good shape to get even more Fucked Up soon. Congratulations!
f) Congratulations! You are either Pretty Fucked Up or All Fucked Up depending on whether you are privately fucked up or publicly fucked up respectively. You are in the middle of the Fucked Up Scale and therefore strangely closer to Temporary Happiness and getting UnfuckedUp than the other locations on the scale. Hopefully, you didn’t just give this answer to try and get sympathy in which case you would be Helplessly and Hopelessly Fucked Up and a lot further from Temporary Happiness. Either way you are Fucked Up. Congratulations!
g) You are in a state of Cramping and Muscle Strain Fuckedupness in which you are attempting to cope with the pain of life by getting all uptight. Not a silly strategy. But we probably need to get you a little Unfuckedup before anything good can happen to you again. Congratulations on your Tense and Uptight Fuckedupness.
h) Congratulations, you are Straightforwardly and Rather Desperately Fucked Up. This is frequently a good sign because if you can hang with this, something good often happens and you will experience an incredible jolt of Relief Happiness when it does. Relief Happiness is really exciting. Good work.
i) Okay, you are in a state of Survival Fuckedupness. This is when your life sucks and you really need to grit your teeth until you can get out of it and into a better one. In this case, how fucked up you are is not really as important as just Finding A Way Out. Don’t worry about your score or ranking in this quiz, you are a honorary Member of the Fucked Up Club just for being in this situation. Welcome!
j) You are in a state of Crisis Fuckedupness or, as you noted yourself, Agony and Danger. This can be life-threatening and sometimes is. You’re in the red zone of Fuckedupness and we need to get you out even if you are very very tough about handling these situations. We need to quickly implement a two-pronged plan. (A plan without prongs is just not very much fun.) Prong 1: Do not kill yourself or anyone else. No matter what. Very important prong. Go so far as to ask for help if you have to but do not kill anyone. Prong 2: You should be devoting some concentrated time and attention to getting UnfuckedUp as rapidly and efficiently as possible. Or at the very least reducing your total Fuckedupness score.
k) You are Really Fucked Up. In many ways, you are in the worst shape of anyone here with the possible exception of Mr. J above who is about to blow a gasket. So many things in your life are Really Fucked Up that you can’t stand them and you are scared and terrified and you just can’t fucking handle the stress and pain any more. So you are dosing yourself with Optimism and Hope, which are indeed powerful and effective drugs, but misused they will slash and burn their way through your life, leaving nothing but ruins in their wake. So be careful with these suckers.
If you are Really Fucked Up and feeling weak when you overdose on Hope and Optimism, you will have a tendency to Deny Reality and become and all dependent and helpless and start sucking the life out of everyone around you to feed your Really Fucked Up Illusions until, until….well, it’s just too awful for me to go into detail. If you are Really Fucked Up and feeling strong when you overdose on Hope and Optimism, then you will have a tendency to become a Happiness Fascist. You will want to squash and grind the life out of everyone around you by enforcing Artificial Happiness and not letting anyone be the charmingly fucked up people they are and you will kill love and life and laughter and happiness and….
The bottom line is Be Careful About Denying that You are Fucked Up and In Pain When You Are. Nasty, nasty side effects. If you are in pain and going to dose yourself with Hope and Optimism, which is certainly fucking understandable, be sure to follow the directions on the label. Which are:
“Hope and Optimism. Take in moderate, realistic to slightly unrealistic daily doses for relief of pain caused by life. Always admit you are in pain before taking. Warning: Do not take if you have a tendency to deny reality or deny you are in pain as Hope and Optimism are themselves Denial Agents and the combined effects can lead to system shutdown and a complete lack of contact with Reality.”
l) Congratulations! You would be Fucked Up Enough to qualify for some major sympathy if you were actually living inside your life. But your life is all fucked up and in so many ways that you aren’t. You have stepped outside it. Which means you can’t answer questions or access information based on sensations like pain and pleasure that you would get if you were actually inside your own life. And you have to rely on other people to tell you whether or not your life looks fucked up. Which it might not, even if it is. Although getting outside your life when it sucks is not a terrible idea, at some point you might want to get inside it again, in which case it might be worth your while to fix it so it will make a more hospitable home for you. Just a thought. In any case, don’t feel lonely, you still qualify to join the Fucked Up Club. Welcome!
Okay, everyone did very very well on the first question and you all qualify for the succeeding bonus rounds. Good work. The next question is on the next page, but first…
Give yourself a score between zero and 12 for the first question based on whatever number you think goes with the description that went with your answer. If you gave several answers, you can average, divide, multiply, subtract, add or perform any other mathematical maneuver you remember from grade school. You can also give yourself a fractional score like 5 1/2 or a percentage score if you’d like. It’s just a fucking quiz for God’s sake, you can do whatever you want!